Wake Me Up

.... when Chris Bennett's vacation ends. With the blog's official SuperFan out of the country, the last couple weeks have been rough. Not only have I been without Chris to bounce ideas off, I am also trying to come up with blogs without my sister feeding me crazy stories about my parents (She is still in Europe) and without Metcalf in town to make comments I can manipulate, exaggerate, and then shamelessly beat into the ground. I honestly don't know how I would have filled this space over the last couple weeks without all the gold I got from Jeff. That guy is all time.

Let's leave Jeff alone for the rest of today's blog. He seemed a little miffed at me today. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's plotting to have me fired behind my back, not that I blame him. I certainly have that coming. Besides, I like the guy, so I'm going to try to get through today's entry without any more Jeff talk.


(Looking through notes)

Ummm.... Have you guys heard the one about Jorgen carrying a purse even though he is a guy?

You have, huh?

Oh, boy....


(Shuffling papers)

Is it hot in here?


(Loosens collar)

Okay, here we go.... I got a few things:


* Ryan Howard went 2-4 with a HR and 2 RBI on Monday night but it wasn't enough to overcome an atrocious outing by Phillies starter Adam Eaton. TGCU also homered in the game to stay one ahead of Ryan, although Utley's homer came much earlier in the game and was a meaningless solo shot. (This was before he pulled a Tony Stewart and grabbed some pine for the rest of the night.) I have a question for all the racist Howard-haters out there: If this guy is such a choker how does he lead the NL in RBI despite hitting just .226? I mean, if you are hitting for poor average and still managing to lead your league in RBI, you must be getting lots of hits with RISP, right? What is more important for a hitter to do than drive in runs? Isn't that exactly what a clean up hitter is supposed to do? Actually, let me cut out all this rhetorical question crap. That IS exactly what a clean up hitter is supposed to do. Here's a guy who is 2nd in the NL in HRs and RBI, while playing for a first place club. Last year he was 2nd in the NL in HRs and RBI, while helping the Phils to an NL East title. In 2006, he lead the Majors in HRs and RBI and won the NL MVP. And before 2006 he had never even spent a full season in the big leagues. (He won the 2005 NL Rookie of the Year in an abbreviated season.) I'm pretty sure a lot of teams would want a guy like Howard in the middle of their order. But there is no outcry in Philadelphia over Howard not being an All-Star, while they are crying like babies over pitcher Cole Hamles not getting a ticket to the Bronx. In 3 years with the Phils, Hamels has won 33 games, production not even approaching that of Howard's. I should point out that Hamels is white and Howard is black. Black like Donovan McNabb. Black like Allen Iverson. What's my point? I think it's obvious:

Philadelphia fans are a bunch of....




Idiots.

* Are you still reading, Austin? Really? Huh.... Well I underestimated you I guess. But be prepared to skip over this next blurgb as I am not done talking about Ryan Howard yet. When the Mets jumped out to a 5 run lead last night, Ed offered me an even money bet that Howard would hit a home run. This is actually the second time he has made that wager with me. (He won this time but lost the first one.) I would like to publically issue the following change to Ed: Any time the Phillies are trailing by 5 runs or more, we can automatically lock into a bet on Howard hitting a HR. I will take the "No" and you can have the "Yes" at even money in every game. If you think that's a fair price, you were right: You really are a "Bookmaker." I think Howard is a great power hitter but I will bet the "No" on any player hitting a home run in any game at even money, especially when he's already had 1-2 of his at bats.

Note to self: Stop mocking bosses in blog. Jeff is already mad at you and Matt practically hates you. Stop short of alienating Ed as well.

Noted.

* Okay, I admit that I am being hard on Ed today. Maybe I'm even being unfair. I'm just mad at him for his constant mocking of my boy Ryan Howard (Not to mention pointless digs at Jason Campbell) but at least when he asks me to do something, I do it. Ed was telling me that the other morning he asked Jorgen to get him coffee and Jorgen said no. Ummm.... dude do you understand the concept of having a boss? He tells you what to do and then you do it. All I know is that in a few years when Jorgen inevitably comes crawling to me for a job, it's going to be a different story. When I say "Jump" that kid better say "How high?" or I will replace him with someone who will. (God, I hope it's Austin. That would be sweet revenge.) And I'm also going to institute a strict policy on purses. As in, you must have a vagina in order to bring one to work. Sorry, pal.

* Here's something that came across my desk today: NFL Mascot Contest. It's a competition on NFL.com to decide which NFL team has the best mascot. After getting over my initial shock that people at NFL.com were actually being paid to do something so stupid, I noticed that the Redskins mascot "Chief Zee" was in the finals against the Ravens mascot "Poe." The Redskins "Mascot" is really just a black guy from D.C. who dresses up in a borderline offensive outfit for every game and walks through the crowd high-fiving drunk guys my age. I actually met him once about 8 years ago. We were staying at the same motel in Tampa Bay while the Redskins were down there for a divisional playoff game. He told my brother, dad, and I a story about getting beat up by a bunch of Philadelphia fans at a Redskins-Eagles game. Those Eagles fans sure are bitter. You have to look really, really closely but it's there. The bitterness is there.

But I'm not here to mock Eagles fans, at least not this time. Seeing that article about the Ravens mascot "Poe" reminded me of just how lame I think that franchise is. Here's the bio NFL.com gives about "Poe":

He's 11 years old, weighs 692, 537 feathers, attended the University of Poe-try, enjoys the TV show That's so Raven and when asked if Chief Zee is the best mascot, can be heard squawking the word, "nevermore."

Wow.

I really could and probably should stop there, having already proven how lame the Ravens are but I have more: I don't like the Ravens because they copied the Redskins by becoming the 2nd team in the NFL with a marching band. I don't like the Ravens because they have male cheerleaders. And I especially don't like the Ravens because of all the kids from Maryland I went to high school with that jumped on their bandwagon in 2000. My high school was in D.C. and there were kids from Maryland, Virginia, and the city. For the most part all the kids from Maryland were Redskins fans (Save for the comedians who were Dallas fans just to see what kindof reaction they got out of Redskins fans every time they brought it up) when I first started there in the fall of 1997. During my junior year, the Redskins managed to win the NFC East and crush the Detroit Lions in the first round of the playoffs. It was great. Kids were allowed to wear Redskins jerseys to school instead of the normal uniform. Everyone was going to the home games. We even went to random Redskins pep rallies in the city. During the off-season, the Redskins signed Deion Sanders and Bruce Smith among others and were a consensus pick to challenge for the Super Bowl. Everyone was on the Redskins bandwagon. Of course, the 2000 season did not go as planned and the Skins failed to even make the postseason.

Meanwhile, the Ravens were riding a ridiculous defense to the AFC playoffs as a wild card entry. No one made a peep when they won their wild card game the first week but when they went to Tennessee and upset the #1 seeded Titans, suddenly every kid from Maryland at that school took notice. It was like a light bulb went off in their collective heads: "Hey, I'm from Maryland. I can root for Baltimore and no one can say I'm a bandwagon fan because I'm kindof from there." The Ravens crushed the Giants in the Super Bowl a few weeks later, and those kids were rewarded for their monthlong dedication to the Ravens. And that was that. They became Ravens "Fans."

The regular season is two months away and I'm already pissed at fans of a team that isn't even in our conference. I think I'm ready. Hail to the Redskins.


I'm not doing any picks today. I don't even like baseball. Leave me alone. Okay, fine. I like the Cardinals tomorrow. Who is Cole Hamels to be laying two dollars against anyone? He's not even an All-Star. And when guys like Ryan Ludwick make the All-Star team, you know it's a true barometer of how good a player is.

A lot of bitterness in the blog today. I think it was because there was no Jeff talk. That's always good, light-hearted fun the whole family can enjoy. But I'm going to stick to my promise to leave him out of today's entry. Even though I did have a great blurgb all worked out. Let's just say that it involved the man himself, Serena Williams, and Steven Jackson and that Jeff probably would have punched me in the back of the head after reading it.


Tuesday's Trivia Question - I was informed today that the "C.C." in C.C. Sabathia actually does not stand for Chocolate Chip. Didn't see that coming. So.... What does it stand for? (I had to look this one up but if you do that it would pretty much be cheating.)

** Sunday's Answer - The Falcons drafted RB Tony Smith with the 19th overall pick in the 1992 NFL Draft. Incidentally, Smith also attended Southern Mississippi. That trade did not work out too well for the Falcons but it was a crucial moment in that it helped turn Chris Bennett into the bitter cynic we know and love today.


Chad says I have become too much of a hater lately. Reading over this blog.... I think he's right. But I'm not going to stop any time soon. You can stop reading the blog but I'm not going to stop spewing the hate.

Perhaps I should go work on my resume. I may be needing it very soon.




Enjoy the game.