No, you're not seeing things

.... this is really happening - two blogs in one day. (Stop squealing, Jeff. It's just a blog.) I'm blogging again for several reasons. First and foremost - I am bored. I'm so bored that I'm reading online previews of Euro 2008 written by people no more qualified than I am. My flight home doesn't leave for another 4 hours and I'm just sitting here on the couch watching the Stanley Cup Final. I was watching the game with Graham but he just fell asleep. Poor little guy - he was up all night looking at strippers and he needs to get some rest, as he has a long week of coordinating ahead of him. Another reason for this blogging double dip is the fact that I know I won't be writing as much during the coming weeks and I feel bad about that. I know how much some of you have come to enjoy my mindless "banter." The main reason for this blog, however, is that I have what I consider to be a funny story to share with you guys. (I wanted to tell it today while it's still fresh in my mind.) It features a hot Canadian mom, a loud, overbearing blowhard, lots of confused foreigners, dozens of utterly overwhelmed employees, and a young boy from Virginia just trying to get home to see his dog. And it takes place at the airport. Enjoy.

The plan is for me to fly home to Virginia on Wednesday afternoon. My flight on United Ted is scheduled to leave at 1:05 pm. I arrive at the airport around 10:50 am, which is usually more than enough time to check baggage, be molested by security, and make it to my terminal. However, on this day it would not be nearly enough time. In order to make a 1:05 flight today I think I would have needed to get to the airport at approximately the same time Scotty Hoff went stumbling out of the strip club this morning.

There are certain people I work with who enjoy seeing others panic. I would say that Ed imparticular enjoys watching people panic. In fact, there have been times that I have been "panicking" by his estimation and he has found it so amusing that he has taken the time to point it out to the other people in the room - "Look at Murray, he's panicking!" and so on. If you are like Ed and you enjoy panic, you would've been in heaven watching the scene at the United Ted terminal on Wednesday morning. It was an absolute zoo. Within 10 minutes of getting into line, I knew there was no chance in hell of me making my 1:05 flight. (Blogger's note: Normally I just go to the kiosk and print out my boarding pass but I had a bag to check.) So, basically.... I was completely screwed.

I called my mom to tell her about my situation and let her know that I wouldn't be arriving at the planned time. Panic must be contagious as she immediatley started freaking out - which really helped the situation. She started yelling at me to go talk to one of the United agents and explain to them that I was going to miss my flight. I looked around the room at the various agents. Not only did they appear to be, for lack of a better word, worthless, they were also completely overwhelmed by shouting tourists, many of whom were foreign and didn't speak any English. Those agents weren't going to be able to help me. After moving up literally 10 feet in my first half hour in the line, I became resigned to the fact that I wasn't going to make my flight. I figured I may as well just wait there and talk to the lady behind the counter about getting another flight home. And so the waiting began....

The highlight of my time in line was definitely the hot blonde Canadian girl next to me. Wow. Let's just say that if I had a picture of her, Ron Burgundy over there would be getting the boot. She was standing there in a very suggestive top, next to a little boy, yakking away on her cell phone. I'm going to be honest - I was a little hungover this morning and probably not as discreet as I normally am, so it didn't take long her for to pick up on the fact that my "Looking around the room" act was really just a pathetic way of checking her out. Hot and perceptive - what a catch. (I wonder if she is someone who likes to blog about her ideals....?)

She takes the initiative to start talking to me by asking where I am going and I start chatting with her and the kid she's with. She tells me she's going to Toronto by way of Denver and that she's been waiting at the airport for over 2 1/2 hours - at this point she has already missed her earlier flight and is now waiting to get information on her new one. I am taken aback when the kid (Who is probably 10-11 years old) calls this chick "Mom." Mom? What? Seriously? You? That stunned me. There was a moment where I briefly blacked out as I pictured what she must have looked like 10-11 years ago and before I knew it someone else had joined into our conversation.

This new lady was one of those rabble-rowsers and she was pissed off. Normally I wouldn't have cared but not only did she interrupt my one-on-one with Hot Canadian Mommy, she was boring me to tears with her sob story about missing her flight and complaining about the incompetence of the United employees. I think I even heard her give some errant threat about writing a letter to United but it was during one of those moments where HCM was looking away and I therefore was looking at her and paying no attention to the world around me. (I know what you're thinking and I agree with you - I'm a total douche but you're the one taking the time to read my blog so what does that say about you?)

Meanwhile, another annoying character has joined our line. This guy was the token tall, overbearing, blowhard, trying to galvanize everybody by complaining about our situation very loudly. (I hate people like this. We all know this sucks, guy. Going to the front of the line and demanding to speak with a supervisor doesn't help anyone. It just slows things down. You're not that important.) This guy also had a laptop out and seemed to be working on some sortof project on his computer (A fellow blogger perhaps?) and he would periodically make phone calls in which he would talk at a decibal level loud enough to ensure that every person around him could hear everything he said, whether we wanted to or not. (Did I mention that my IPod is broken? Yeah, it is. Great timing for that....)

I'm getting more than a little annoyed at this point. I'm going to miss my flight. My mom is making my sister send me frantic text messages asking for updates, HCM is getting her ear chewed off by the Rabble Rowser and the loudmouth was really starting to grind my gears. As I watched person after person take 10-15 minutes at the counter, and saw the line behind me grow out to the door, I looked over at the airlines to my left and right. Southwest Airlines was a ghost town. It was a sports book during a hockey game. It was Chad's birthday party. Seriously - there was no one there. Why couldn't I be flying with them? I looked to my right - Allegiant Air. I'm not sure that's a real line air line as there was no one in line there either. I looked further down to U.S. Airways. There were a few scattered people, probably looking at the United Ted scene the way people stop to look at a car crash. And I'm in the middle of the wreck, alone with my thoughts - "Why the hell am I flying with these guys?" "This airline sucks." "I don't even want to go home." "I wonder what Austin's up to." I start looking at the people who are at the front of this mess, talking to the women behind the counters. There is one jackass young kid who is wearing jeans and a blazer and is practically screaming at the United employees. A supervisor comes over to try to calm him down and he just gets more and more angry. He even takes the time to literally take off his blazer and slam it down on the counter as he yells at the supervisor. (I thought people only did that on TV.) This kid was a total moron. There were only three counters my line was feeding into and he compromised one of them for almost a half an hour. Thanks a lot, buddy.

At this point I'm way past annoyed. I'm past pissed. I'm like Jorgen during one of those shifts where the kids have really gotten to him and he's walking around in a Peter Gibbons-like state, cursing the world and his life in general. (Speaking of that - how much would you pay to see Kornegay go up to Jorgen with a coffee mug in his hand and say "Yeah.... we're going to need you to go ahead and come in on your day off....") It was around this time that an insane-looking old foreign man came up to me, by cutting in front of several people, got right in my face, and said only "Picky Pocky." I looked at Insane Foreign Man with one of my trademark pouts and did not say a word. What exactly was I supposed to say? I ended up pulling a Seinfeld, by simply shaking my head, not giving any verbal response, until the man got away from me. What the hell is going on....

If you haven't seen the South Park where Mr. Garrison invents the "It" machine, I highly recommend it. Garrison gets so tired of dealing with the air lines that he invents his own method of travel - a machine built for one that moves at astronomical speeds. When a passenger gets into the "It" they are locked in by a rod that is inserted into their ass and another rod that is inserted into their mouth. It is extremely painful but as all the characters point out - "It beats dealing with the air lines....)

At this point, I want my own "It."

Almost an hour after my flight has taken off, I finally get to the front of the line. I am slightly nervous about having to explain my situation to the woman behind the counter. I don't want to have to pay any fees or end up with a long layover. Before I can even say anything the lady says to me "Sorry for the wait, sir. Have you already missed your flight?" What a well-oiled machine United Ted is. They just assume that their customers have already missed their planes. I explain my situation to her and she gives me 2 options - a flight that leaves in about 90 minutes and has a 2 hour layover in Denver, or a redeye flight that leaves at 11:30 pm and goes straight to Dulles. I chose the latter. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of that place. The lady did get me an aisle seat, gave me a boarding pass, and checked my bag, so when I get back to the airport tonight all I'll have to do is go through security and board my flight. (By the way this whole process took roughly 2 minutes. I don't understand what people are doing standing at those counters for 10 or 15 minutes....) I actually enjoy redeye flights. I usually go to a bar, have a few beers, and then pass out on the flight. The only way to fly.

In the end it wasn't all bad. Hot Canadian Mommy touched my shoulder when she said goodbye (Score!) and I got to hang out with Graham this afternoon. We even made a few bucks on that bad total the Golden Nugget hung last night (CB you are good, sir.) Plus, the power is out in my neighborhood in Virginia and apparently my mom is annoying my whole family by trying to get them to play board games by candlelight. I'm really glad I'm not there for that.

Well, that's my story. I know I promised a funny story at the start - I lied.

Sorry about that.

(Told you I could write about more than just sports and Jorgen, Bennett.)

Hope you guys followed my Silver Bullet Special on the Wings tonight.

Two blogs in one day and it's so late there's no opportunities left for you to....




Enjoy the game.