You're probably thinking

.... there's no way Murray has any material. Jorgen is off in Lake Fondue, Wisconsin for a guys only weekend. Jeff's head has been buried in his IPhone for more than a week. And my Mom's been in Maine the last few days for some reason. Well today I'm not going to talk about the fact that Jorgen left his loving girlfriend to go up to a lakehouse and sit around in cramped quarters with a bunch of other men. (For the record, I did once see Jorgen buy a guy a drink. I'm not trying to insinuate anything. I'm just merely pointing that out as a fact.) I'm not going to talk about Jeff either. Frankly, I'm afraid of the guy. At this point, he is so wired in he could probably delete my entire blog with a simple voice command. I will, however, talk about my Mom whom I spoke with this morning, the NL East race, the upcoming football season, and Cindy McCain. (And I'm sure The Hoff will come up at some point as well. He always does.)

That introductory paragraph felt long. Maybe I really am "Long-winded."

Moving right along:


* I'm watching the Dodgers-Phillies game as I write this. The announcers are talking about Jimmy Rollins calling Philadelphia fans front-runners and the announcers are defending Philly fans saying that they boo out of frustration because they so desperately want to be out on the field. What does that prove? I never got to suit up for the 3-time Super Bowl Champion Washington Redskins (Perhaps there is still time?) but you'll never see me booing them. Ever. I would never boo my team. Not even during the Spurrier years. I'm at the game early, beer in hand. I stand and cheer at all the appropriate moments, beer in hand. I sweat every 3rd down play like it's life or death, beer in hand. I've even been known to embrace fellow fans in exuberant man hugs after a big touchdown, while carefully checking to make sure I don't spill my beer, of course. In short, I do everything I can to support my team. But I'd never boo them for failing. Only garbage, degenerate Philadelphia fans do that crap. And what goes around comes around. Ed would have to ask his great-great grandfather to hear firsthand about the Eagles last NFL Championship.

* What was I talking about? The NL East? Oh, yeah.... Football season is right around the corner and I'm going to frequently go off on these tangents about how much I despise the Eagles and their degenerate fans, the Giants and their terrible QB, and the Cowboys and literally every single aspect of their franchise. Sorry about that. The Fightins' are 2.5 games back in the division coming into today's action. Somehow, that wretched Mets club has won 10 of their last 11 games but they can't seem to pull away from these scrappy Phils. In fact, Ryan Howard just ripped a 2 run single to open up a 6-2 lead over the Dodgers. Meaningless hit. Just doubled their lead in the bottom of the 5th. Nowhere near as important as that solo HR Chase Utley hit in the late innings of an 8-1 win last night. That was critical. By the way, those were Howard's 107th and 108th RBI of the season to go with his 34 home runs. Seems like a lot for a non - All-Star. But I guess when you compare those numbers to what King Cole and The Babe are doing, it's really no big deal.

I'm sorry. I just hate Philadelphia and their whiny fans.


Why's there a pink slip in your hand, Ed?


Oh, boy....


Let's do a blurgb about my Mom to try and put out this fire.


* She called me this morning and we talked for a long time. My siblings had told me stories about walking into the living room and seeing my Mom so frustrated with the new DirecTV remote that she was literally muttering to herself about how she "Just can't figure it out." She claims to hate DirecTV because there's never anything on. I tried to talk her off the ledge by explaining that she just needs to learn the new channels and she'll be fine. Here's an actual exchange:

Mom: John, I just.... I just don't know where any of my shows are and I can't figure out how to record them.

Me: Just have Peter show you. Or Dad.

Mom: Your father doesn't know how to do it either!

Me: Mom, you just have to learn the new channels and you'll be fine. When I first got DirecTV I went through a small adjustment period, too.

Mom (now hopeful): Really?

Me: Of course.

Mom: There's just never anything on....

Me: There's a Cup race tonight on ESPN.

Mom: What's that?

Me: NASCAR, Mom. You're going to watch, right?

Mom (laughing): Oh, John.... We don't watch that. Only you Southern hicks watch that stuff.

Me (enraged): Mom! What are you talking about?

Mom (still laughing): Only you rednecks watch NASCAR.

Me: Well then what are you going to watch?

Mom: I'll watch WETA. Maybe there will be an opera on or something.

Me: You elitist northerner.

Mom: (more laughing)


* Okay, I made fun of my Mom enough for one day. Let's do Philly fans again. A certain Eagles/Phillies/Flyers/76ers fan with ties to Morristown, PA called me this morning to brag about the Eagles new rookie WR/KR. Actually he first sent me the following text:

I slob on DeSean Jackson's knob.

Weird kid. Anyways, we got to talking and he informed me that next week he will be going to St. Paul, Minnesota for the Republic National Convention, during which time he will serve as something called a "Logistics Coordinator" for Cindy McCain, the wife of presidential hopeful John McCain. He also told me that I should go out and bet as much money as I can get down on Barack Obama to win the election because he is confident that he will goof something up. Let me give you some background information on this LC:

- One Saturday morning while we were in college, we were sitting on the couch watching TV in a hungover haze. I was flipping channels and came across some random Pac-10 football game between two teams we knew nothing about it. This kid literally jumps off the couch, trips and falls, collects himself and runs into his room, frantically opens his laptop, and places a $10 bet on the game just before it kicks off. He then calmly walked back into the room and sat down.

- One time during a long gambling losing streak, he told me his only remaining option was to bet the remainder of his balance on one hand of online blackjack. I pleaded with him not to do this, even threatening to take away his computer. So what does he do? He goes to the campus library and logs onto his account there, while I was at home. He bets the remainder of his account on one hand of blackjack, busts, logs off and calmly walks out of the library. He then gets into his car and screams at the top of his lungs before calling me to tell me what had happened.

- He once made a 4 team bracket of two opposing college basketball teams, the over, and the under, and flipped a coin until one betting option was standing. Then he called our bookie and bet it.

- He used to put makeshift dartboards on his bedroom door with the names of different teams written on them, then throw a pen down the hall at his door until it made a mark in one of the teams' quadrants. He would then bet on that team. I can still remember him excitedly running down the hall to see which team he was about lose money on.

- He once had an important meeting on campus that he got dressed up for but he didn't bother to figure out exactly where it was. When he realized he had parked in the wrong lot, he decided to walk across a field and climb up a hill to the building instead of just moving his car to the appropriate lot. He ended up slipping and falling in mud and had no choice but to go to the meeting like that: A sweaty, muddy mess.

- The first time I gambled in a casino was right after his 21st birthday. (I had turned 21 two months earlier.) He and I drove up to Atlantic City with a lot of hope in our hearts, a few hundred bucks in our pockets, and no idea that sports gambling wasn't legal in AC. He blew every dollar he had on the first night and spent the second day following me around and watching every bet I made, while complaining about the night before.

And now this kid is in charge of coordinating Cindy McCain and her family's trip to Minnesota for the National Convention.

Seems like a good idea.



Trivia Question for Saturday: Who was the coach the last time the Dallas Cowboys won an NFL playoff game?


** Tuesday's Answer: Charles Barkley lead the original "Dream Team" in scoring.



I want to thank those of you who actually read my AFC North preview. While it's true that I know absolutely nothing about the AFC North and have no right to predict what will happen, I enjoyed writing it all the same. Perhaps I will do another division in the near future?

Big Cup race tonight, although I guess it's not a big deal in some parts of Virginia. My Mom may not care but I can assure you that I will be watching. But for now I'm going to go watch Transformers again. My obsession with Megan Fox is starting to rival Sean's infatuation with Miley Cyrus and Austin's love affair with tall and lanky male swimmers.



Enjoy the race.