Is it me or does anyone else

.... think it's pointless to even play the conference championship games on Sunday? The Super Bowl of Eagles-Steelers is already a done deal. Why even go through the motions of actually playing the games? Teams don't finish the regular season 9-6-1 without being dominant. And the Steelers whupped the Ravens during both regular season meetings, winning handily with no close calls or fortunate bounces. Let's just get it over with. Eagles-Steelers. Super Bowl XLIII. Lock it down.

I want to try to be brief in the blog from now on. I didn't realize how annoying long-winded people really were until Scotty said hi to Big Brother contestant "Evil Dick" the other night at the Hard Rock and the guy ended up talking our ears off for a good 30 minutes about how he was hanging on for dear life to the outer fringes of being a celebrity.

I don't really have any "quips" to offer up in regards to last weekend's Divisional Playoff games, anyway. I had money on the Titans and I'm not sure how I lost. I picked up an NFL betting system during Saturday's Cardinals-Panthers game that is so utterly foolproof I can't even share it with you guys. Seriously, this system is golden. It's like a tip from Bennett golden. It's too valuable to share on the internet. Sorry. When I woke up the Eagles-Giants score was 7-5 and I literally turned my TV off and tried to go back to bed. Probably watched more than Plaxico, at least. I guess the Steelers game was good. I guess.

Here's what else is up as I mentally prepare myself for the Pennsylvania Bowl:

* Speaking of CB, one thing that's really been perplexing me lately is how that kid managed to become so incredibly sharp. It just doesn't seem possible that one person could be that sharp at anything. I have a few theories on how he managed to get that way:

#1 You know that scene in Batman Begins when Bruce Wayne is being trained how to fight way out in the mountains of whatever? I think it's entirely possible that CB has been lying about taking vacations to Minnesota and South Africa, among other places, and in reality he has been in Washington state being trained on the ways of the sharp sharps by the greatest sports bettors on earth: Nerds who never played a sport in their life and live in Washington state and sit at their computers all day hoping to get the best number possible.

Important lessons include how to assume you are smarter than everyone else on both sides of the counter and how to talk down to other bettors. For instance:

Civilian: Yeah, I had the Cardinals. Wish they could all be that easy.

Sharp (skeptical): Cardinals, huh? What number did you get?

Civilian: +10

Sharp (quickly): At what price?

Civilian: -110

Sharp: Garbage. There was +10 -105 available on Cris on Wednesday morning for almost 40 minutes.

Civilian: Oh, really, it's just that I don't even have an account....

Sharp (cuts him off): You also could've played +10.5 -120 at the Mirage for an hour and a half on Monday night.

Civilian: Oh, well I just took the 10. I mean they did win the game easily.

Sharp: Square.

Civilian: What did you have?

Sharp: Panthers -8 -105, which was ridiculously unavailable.

Civilian: Oh.... So you lost right?

Sharp: Who cares? I had a great number. I can totally live with that result.

Civilian: Oh.... Well I won my bet and made money so I'm cool with it, too.

Sharp (frustrated):..... You're just never going to understand how this business works.


#2 It's also possible that Chris is as sharp as he is because of the part of the country he is from. Look at some other guys who are from (relatively speaking) the same part of the country. Scott, Jorgie, Chris.... They all have the same "I'm better than you and I'm going to make these snide comments and judgmental faces to illustrate that I feel that way" aura about them. There has to be something to that. Perhaps it's just something about being raised in that part of the country that brings it out in them.

My suggestion: If you ever have a son you want to be a sharp sharp, make sure he is born and raised in the American Midwest, then ship him out to Washington state for college. Imagine being from Illinois or Minnesota, then going to school at U-Dub. It wouldn't even be fair how sharp that kid would be. It's very possible that he could single-handedly shut down this entire industry. Think about it.

#3 Chris was born so much smarter than the rest of us that his learning curve is accelerated to the point that he picks up on math-related gambling things that us small minded people simply cannot understand. I would guess that this is the one Chris believes to be the truth and it's very possible. However, I feel that with a few trips to Washington state I could at least begin to approach his level. The guys there are just so sharp you can't help but learn from them. It's my understanding that the reason Seattle routinely has the highest suicide rate of any city in the country is because the people there get so fed up with being so much smarter than everyone else they decide it's easier to just kill themselves than keep going. Think about that, too.

* We all know that my mancrush on LeBron James is well documented. For lack of a better word, that guy is ridonkulous. I'd also like to mention two new crushes the blog is currently dealing with: Alexander Ovechkin aka Great Eight of the Washington Capitals and Baya, the hip hop dancer wannabe on the new season of Real World.

Not that I watch that show or anything.

What?

She's hot.

She is.

Let's move on....


* Try to guess which one of these quotes I am making up:

"I will jump off the Hoover Dam if the Arizona Cardinals win the Super Bowl." - Ed Salmons

"Devendorf's girlfriend is going to get a whuppin' tonight." - Peter Murray

"I would literally pay $300 out of my pocket just to have the Eagles lose this week." - John Murray

"I can't wait until Paul Harris is behind bars." - Peter Murray

"Ask John what he likes tonight. I want to make sure it's not the same thing I like before I bet anything." - Matt Metcalf

"I want to have Matt Ryan's children." - Jeff Sherman

Boy, that's tough. They are all very believable. Good luck.


I know I haven't blogged much lately. I think I may have a severe case of writer's block. It's also possible that I just can't write well any more because the content of this blog is so dumb that it's ruined me as a writer. I mean read that sentence again. It was terrible. There was a time when I could wake up at 9 AM, hungover as Hoffman on a Tuesday, and write a paper so good that when my professor handed it back to me, he or she would literally come up to me to compliment my writing and ask me if I wanted to be a writer. That was like 2-3 years ago.... Now I can barely string together two sentences. Look at how badly I botched that whole Bennett-training-sharp-Washington state thing. That was really funny in my head. And it ended up as another choppy, scatterbrained piece of garbage that is becoming a staple in this space. At least I was able to force something out. I couldn't even find the words for that Jorgen-Rafael Furcal piece the other day.

I'm going to try to work out a few kinks in my writing style before the next blog. And I'll try to use some fresh words and phrases. Does anyone know a synonym for ridonkulous?

In the meantime, I want you to tell me which jersey I should purchase to wear in the days leading up to the Eagles-Steelers game.

#10 Santonio Holmes

#25 Ryan Clark (Ex-Redskins safety we let go so we could sign Adam Archuletta to the biggest contract any safety had ever received in NFL history in a move so obviously terrible that I literally cursed out loud when I heard about it.)

#39 'Fast' Willie Parker

#43 Troy Polamulualamaul9erluauauamalu

(Did I hear a 9'er in there?)


I have an idea for a piece that would tie in the genius sharpness of Christopher Bennett with the genius wordplay of Christopher Wallace. I'll let you know if I can make it happen.

But it seems unlikely.

In the meantime, enjoy this website Matt showed me about White People and, of course, enjoy the game.