I honestly don't remember how

.... it happened. I don't remember why it happened. I don't even remember who I was with when it happened. But several years ago I was subjected to watching one of the worst movies ever made, Summer Catch, starring Freddie Prinze Jr. and Jessica Biel. For those of you who haven't seen it, calling that movie complete garbage would be a compliment. In the climactic scene, Prinze's character leaves the pitcher's mound in the middle of the perfect game he is tossing to go after Biel's character who is flying across the country for some reason. What ensues is a scene so poorly acted that I very literally laughed out loud the first time I saw it. I can't believe the director didn't bother to call for another take and try to improve what was an absolute cinematic abortion. I guess it's possible that they did a lot of takes and that was the best one they came up with but that is very hard for me to believe. Maybe the director just didn't care at that point.

Summer Catch was so bad that even Biel's ridonkulously bananas badonkadonk couldn't save it from being completely unwatchable. To this day it is hands down the worst acting I have ever seen. At least it was until Sunday. Ed's childish attempt to convince us that he was rooting for the Vikings during their NFC Wild Card game against the Eagles was even more pathetic than Freddie P's performance during that abominable scene. Does Ed really expect anyone to believe that he would root for a bet over his beloved Philadelphia Eagles during an NFL playoff game? This is a man who flew across the country to attend a football game on a national holiday just because he heard the Eagles would be staging something called a "Blackout." Nothing is more important to him than his pathetic swept-by-the-Redskins-and-tied-by-the-Bengals-10-6-1 Eagles. Nothing. He can play the "Bennett Card" and pretend he doesn't care all he wants but I am not going to fall for it. (I'm not falling for it with you either, Chris.)

What else caught my eye during the first week of the NFL Playoffs, you ask? I'll tell you:

* The blog went 4-1 during the wild card round. My only loss was on the Vikings. I just figured that someone on earth had to bet them. I'd like to think I learn something every time I lose a bet and here's what I took away from this one:

- Don't bet on a terrible coach in a playoff game.

- Don't bet on a terrible QB in a playoff game.

- Don't bet against a team if their coach is growing a playoff beard and looks like one of those guys who fall asleep in the SuperBook after midnight on weekdays.

* At the end of the day, I blame Chris for my loss. I don't follow this league as closely as Ed, Chris, and some of the other guys at work, so I don't know which coaches are good and which ones are complete morons who would inexplicably pass up an opportunity to knock the Eagles out of field goal range in the 1st quarter because he was apparently afraid that his defense would give up a 3rd and 19. Bennett never complains about Brad Childress. He never says Childress should be fired or that Childress is a complete idiot who is holding the Vikings back. So how was I supposed to know? Thanks for nothing, CB.

* The best player I saw during the wild card round had to be Baltimore's Ed Reed. The guy is amazing. I don't know what Ed and his people see in Troy Polamalu but there's no way he is the player Reed is. It seems like #20 is everywhere for the Ravens defense. He's the best safety I've ever seen. And I'm old enough to remember Tim Hauck.

* The worst player I saw was Chargers RB LaDainian Tomlinson. Could this guy possibly be more of a candyass? It really is true that whenever the going gets tough he can't wait to grab some bench. The chances of him coming up big this week, on the road, in a hostile environment, against the best defense in the NFL are about the same as the chances of CB taking a bad number on the wrong side. It just isn't going to happen. Ever.

* The best play I saw over the weekend had to be the touchdown catch Larry Fitzgerald made between two defenders during the first quarter of the Cardinals win over the Fightin' Shermans. That was a textbook example of a quarterback saying "What the hell - I'm just going to throw this thing up in the air and ask my wide receiver to make me look good." And here comes the obvious Murray joke - "Just like every throw Tony Romo has ever made...."

(Pause for laughter)

* The worst play I saw was CB's quarterback throwing a touchdown pass to Asante Samuel. Well actually it's a tie between that play and the Vikings defense standing around while Brian Westbrook jogged 70 yards to the end zone on what seemed like a very straight forward screen pass. How exactly did the Eagles win by 12 again?

* Looking ahead to the divisional round I'll call for the Titans, Panthers, Eagles, and Steelers to advance. I especially like the Eagles. In fact, I will bring out the LEAD PIPE LOCK label for Philly. The Eagles are my billion star lock of life. If they lose, you get the rest of my picks for the year free of charge!! Actually, let's just go ahead and call Eagles plus the points my official "Shoe-In" of the Year. And I wear a size 13. My official stance is that there is no reason to even watch the game because Philadelphia is such a human lock to cover the spread this Sunday.

(Ed - I just want you to know I was smirking the entire time I wrote that. I'm still smirking. Why don't you just assume I'll be smirking for the next hour or so. )

* Of course, locks from me have very little value. If you really want to know who is going to win, I recommend giving "Mr. Salmon" a ring. Mr. S won Murray Bowl I over the weekend, crushing "Darts At a Board" by a score of 0 to -4. You really gotta hand it to Cortes. He managed to knock out Mikey Millz, CC, Hoffy, and my sister in successive weeks. That is a murderer's row of sharps, highlighted by a guy who is arguably the Babe Ruth of modern sports betting in Scotty. No one said winning the MHI would be easy (Well actually several people said that. In those exact words, too.) but Franco managed to pull it off despite not even being an industry insider.

Congrats.

* I think I have time for a quick Hoffman story - He and I were out drinking beer(s) the other night and somehow the topic of interventions came up. With a very serious look on his face he told me that his friends had twice staged interventions for him to talk to him about his drinking, gambling, stripper issues, etc.... The following thoughts rushed through my head:

- Does he want me to put together an intervention for him?

- How come my friends never had one for me?

- Shit. I wonder if that means he wants to go home?

Never once did I consider that he was just joking. So my question to you is what does that say about Scott? Actually what does that say about me?


.... Don't answer that.

* I'll even do a Jorgie story for the kids. I actually had a joke comparing Jorgen to Rafael Furcal all worked out but I decided not to use it. The basic premise was that Jorgie was like Furcal in that Raffie flirted with practically every team in Major League Baseball before deciding to return to the Braves, the way Jorgen seems to flirt with every sports book in Las Vegas for a job. It had potential to be funnier than it sounds. I just could never get the wording right.

Anyways, my parents were in town this week and I had my Mom go up to Jorgen's window at the Venetian and make a bet for me. Somehow I had won a bet there and I gave her the winning ticket so she didn't need to take any money up to the window. I explained to her that all she needed to do was tell Jorgen the betting number and the dollar amount and then hand him the ticket at which point he'd give her the new ticket and money back. (I won't go into details about how much money was changing hands here. Just picture one of Jeff's bets then divide it by about 50.)

My Mom is a smart woman. She graduated from George Washington University which is a fine school. She is no stranger to money. She oversees a stock portfolio that has more money in it than I will probably make in my entire life. But the panic that ensued over her making a small bet for me was amazing. First she tried to write down the betting number under the bar code of the winning ticket which would have forced Jorgen to have to type the number in manually. I stopped that but couldn't prevent her from searching through her purse for a napkin to write "248" on. If I can still remember what the betting number was almost a week later, why couldn't she remember it for the 3 second walk from her seat to the betting window?

When she got up there she successfully placed the bet and got the money back from Jorgen. Well almost successfully. For some reason Jorgen asked her if she wanted 20's back. What's that all about? So she comes back to seat with a handful of 20 dollar bills. I guess it's not that big of a deal but I still took the time to glare at the "Y" for a while. What am I supposed to do with all these 20's? What can one get in exchange for one crisp 20 dollar bill? What indeed.... I'm going to think about that one.



You get out of here and enjoy the game.