.... is just two days away and pretty soon another season of quality NFL football will be behind us. This season we saw arguably the worst game in the history of professional football end in a tie, then watched one of the teams in that game come within 5 minutes of the Super Bowl. We saw both of the top seeded teams choke at home against inferior competition in their first playoff game. And we saw three teams with a combined regular season record of 26-21-1 not only all make the playoffs but all ADVANCE to the next round. Let's face it: This league is downright terrible without The Great Tom Brady and we'll all be better off when this season is behind us.
I look forward to the upcoming break between the end of football and the start of NASCAR and plan on relaxing a bit over the next couple weeks. I've been having a little bit too much "Fun" lately and need to slow down. I put fun in quotations because I don't even enjoy it that much but I can't say no to anything after I've been drinking. I really had a wake up call that I needed to clean up my act about a week ago and I'd like to share with you guys some things to look out for. Here are some warning signs that it's time to slow down, in a style made famous by Jeff Foxworthy. (It's okay for me to rip off Foxworthy. After all, I too am a Southern redneck.)
You might be going out too much if The Hoff wants to leave before you do.
You might be going out too much if you contemplate holding it in instead of taking a piss because you can't possibly justify not tipping that same bathroom attendant kid yet again.
You might be going out too much if C-Jack texts you at 2 AM to ask "What you are up to?" like it's safe to assume that you are not at home in bed.
You might be going out too much if C-Jack calls you the next morning to make sure you are alright.
You might be going out too much if the professional clothes remover says she likes your new haircut.
You might be going out too much if you can't find more than an hour a week for your blog. That's just not fair to the kids.
I'm going to make some changes. I have to. So I'm going to read through the real estate listings in Albert City, Iowa, while you guys read through these blurgbs:
* This collection of sharps known as "The Group" seems to get more annoying by the day. The other day, Ed showed me a handful of their many Super Bowl prop bets in an effort to impress me. (Mission accomplished by the way, bro.) Jeff took a mocking shot at me asking if I'd bet "What? Like $20?" on the Super Bowl when he knew damn well that I had bet the full $50. For the record, I think J.S. is going to be so nervous during the first half on Sunday that someone is going to have to hold his hand.
You know a group is out of control when Metcalf is the least cocky member. That's all on you today, Matt. You're in the clear.
* The smart kid filled out "102" on his test so I copied him. It has to be the right side because I don't see how the Cardinals could actually beat the Steelers and win the Super Bowl. So they will. The blog's official position is that the Cardinals will win the game straight up on Sunday and Jeff will break his arm patting himself on the back for copying someone else's pick.
At least I am going on the record with a pick (Even if it is a blatant copy of someone else's work.) On the cover of SI this week, next to a picture of blog favorite LeBron James, there is a caption saying that inside the magazine Peter King will be giving his "Keys to the Super Bowl." I tore it open hoping to read that King was on the Steelers, thus solidifying my position on Arizona. Instead he closed with a sentence that essentially says that if the Cardinals and Fitzgerald come close to duplicating their performance from last week, Arizona will win. So if Warner throws 4 TD passes, including 3 to Fitzgerald, they will probably win? Now that is fine journalism.
* Speaking of journalism, earlier this week, ESPN's Bill Simmons filed this great tribute article to his recently deceased dog but then followed it up with this pointless drivel about how Manny Ramirez and Kevin Durant are the only truly underrated athletes in pro sports. I like Simmons so I am disappointed when he writes mindless crap like that. The guy seems to be putting about as much effort into his writing as I am. And I hate this dumb blog.
However, I will say how much I enjoy his podcasts. Everything about podcasts fascinates me. If I had the resources, I'd love to start a podcast of my own. Just think of the possibilities: I could try to get CB and the Fezz on for a special chat in which they explain the intricacies of sports betting, while I sit there frantically flipping through a dictionary and my old calculus book trying to understand what they are talking about. I could have Ed on the program on Monday mornings during NASCAR season and try to press him into giving up information about who he likes for that week's race while he tries to dance around giving out any good information until his group has their bets down. If the podcast got big enough, I could even try to get The Big Guy and a certain sports book director on at the same time to talk about which side of the counter we all belong on. (Sorry, Matt. I thought I was done with you and then that "Side of the counter" thing came to me. Had to work it in.)
I could have Jorgie on to talk about various job opportunities in the greater Las Vegas area and we could have people call in to ask him for advice about where they should apply and how to land a new job during the interview. That would be huge. During the summer, we could have "The H" come on the program and give out his "Multi-Unit" play of the day on the basepaths. The only problem is my server might crash with everyone trying to hear that pick. And, of course, when next football season rolls around I would invite Jeff to come on and discuss all things pertaining to the 2009 Atlanta Falcons and the rest of his beloved National Football League. Like you guys wouldn't listen to that.
* Since Larry David only churns out a new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm about once every two years, and Trey Parker only puts out about 12 new eps of South Park a year, and Dave Chappelle went crazy years ago bringing an abrupt end to my favorite comedy show ever, there just isn't a lot of television that I would consider "Funny" being made these days. However, the blog is pleased to give an official recommendation on the show Flight of the Conchords which airs Sunday nights on HBO. My brother told me how funny it was last year but I do this stubborn thing where I try not to like stuff that I didn't discover first amongst my circle of friends/family and I ignored him. (Think Ed with future bets.) But, much like I did when my friends told me how great The Wire was, I finally came around and started watching it and I have to say it is very funny. I suggest setting your DVRs to record it. Or, in Jeff's case, I suggest just watching it live on Sunday nights.
* There are actually a few positives that I am taking into Super Bowl Sunday:
- I am on the same side as the smart kid.
- Even if I lose every single bet I made (Side, total, prop, parlay card, everything....) I don't think it would be possible for me to lose as much money as I did on last year's game. Damn you, David Tyree.
- NBC's pregame show starts at 9 AM ET. Think about that. The pregame show starts at 6 AM out here. The game doesn't start for another 9 1/2 hours. What the hell are they going to talk about for 9 1/2 hours? I look forward to finding out.
- I also look forward to seeing the expression on Bennett's face when he sees whose football jersey I am wearing over Super Bowl weekend. Think backyard games, golden retrievers, errant throws and small town America.
- When the game is over, football season is over. Finally. At least until the Pro Bowl.
* Of course, there are some things about the Super Bowl I am not looking forward to:
- People saying that they enjoy watching the commercials more than they enjoy watching the game in an effort to be comical. I literally cringe every time I hear someone say that.
- Not being able to watch the game with J.S. I'd love to see the look on his face after the Steelers win the coin toss and are about to announce whether they want the ball.
- Walking past the line on Saturday night and having war-like flasbacks to last year's Super Bowl when I was in the trenches.
- Rooting for the game to go under 1.5 fumbles. It's just not fun to root for teams to not fumble. Every time a player is holding the ball out, your heart is in your throat.
- Hearing "The Group" brag about how great they did on their bets. Their act is wearing thin. Especially a certain Lakers fan.
By the way, there may be another group emerging. It's the "Finding Ridiculously Terrible Future Odds on An Obscure Event and Then Pound it For Way More Than You Do on a Normal Bet" group. It's a pretty fun group.
Super Bowl Trivia Question: Name all the Head Coaches who have taken two different franchises to the Super Bowl. And name all the coaches who have won it with two different franchises.
The Cardinals are leading my poll thus far. Seems like everyone is on that side. You have right up until kickoff to vote.
Enjoy the game.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Forgive me for not blogging
.... in a over week but it's been hard to find the words to adequately express how shocked I was when the Eagles lost the NFC Championship Game to the Cardinals last Sunday. Less than a year after the first 16-0 team in NFL history lost the Super Bowl to Tom Coughlin, Eli Manning, and the New York Giants, the highest power rated team in the history of American sports lost to a franchise that had never even been to the big game. And it all happened in the same stadium. What a league. Now we are left with a Super Bowl so lame I will most likely change the channel after seeing who receives the opening kickoff....
The Cardinals better make the most of this opportunity because next year there is only NFC team with any chance of winning it all. That would be the great Dallas Cowboys and their future Hall-of-Fame QB. Now that Antonio Ramiro Romo has vowed to be more of a "Leader" and the Cowboys have kept together the braintrust of Wade Phillips and Jason Garrett, it's hard to see anyone beating them in 2009. Hell, it's hard to see anyone even scoring on them. I can totally see why they have the lowest odds of any team in the NFL to win Super Bowl XLIV in a handful of future pools. It's not like they missed the playoffs this season and haven't won a postseason game in about a dozen years. Plus they have ARR. And he's a leader now.
What else do I have to say? Nothing, really. But I'll try:
* After the Chiefs racist firing of Head Coach Herm Edwards, the Kansas City Star ran an article about the move with the headline "Herminated." Is it really that hard to come up with a good head line? And I thought my writing was suffering lately. Yikes.
* Rumor has it that the Chiefs are targeting ex-Raiders and Broncos Head Coach Mike Shanahan to replace Edwards. Before we know it, "The Mastermind" will have worked for more AFC West teams than Jorgen has worked for Las Vegas sports books.
* I didn't want to bring this up again but with the big game just 8 days away, I am starting to get nervous for Ed. Remember: He promised to jump off the Hoover Dam if the Cardinals won the Super Bowl. At the time it seemed like a harmless comment, seeing as how the Cardinals still had to get through the hurdle that was playing the Highest Power Rated Team of All Time. But now that they have slayed the 9-6-1 giant, all Arizona has to do is beat the Steelers and Ed will have to take his chances jumping of the Hoover Dam. Perhaps it will work out as well (And be as comical) as it did for Clark Griswold, but if I were in Ed's shoes, I'd hedge my "Bets" by putting a little something on Steelers money line and giving the ticket to the Mrs. Call it a life insurance policy.
* Of course, a "Little something" to that guy would probably be about 50 times the casino limit on the money line. To say that he and the other members of his group are overly cocky about how much they are betting right now would be the understatement of the century. That group is completely out of control with how much they enjoy the smell of their own farts. And not just Ed. They're all that way right now. Especially The Big Guy. But especially Sherman. Ed and Matt were ganging up on CB the other day at work, mocking him for not betting more money, even though he seemed to place 4 figure bets on anything he could get his hands on this week, even women's college basketball!
I got tired of listening to those two bullies gang up on the wunderkind and fired back with some mocks of my own. But that's just not enough to get back at their group. Someone's gotta take them down a peg. So instead of just harmless mocking, I have decided to call out their group, specifically one member who I won't identify by name but will call only "Frequent Flyer Miles." FFM made a derogatory comment about one of the city's biggest sharps, saying that he would like to book his baseball future action. You know the number to his iPhone, bro. Make the call and do it. And let us know when your baseball win totals are up.
* Speaking of baseball, the sharp sharps, the sharp squares, the square sharps, the square squares and even the sharp's sharps seem to be betting on the Braves and A's to turn some heads this summer. I can see the A's being good and threw a few bucks down on them but don't really see how the Braves could make much noise in a division with the Fightins, the Amazins, and the Nasties to contend with.
Wait John, didn't you say last year at this time that you thought it was crazy to waste money on Rays future bets because they were in the same division as the Yankees and Red Sox?
Good point. You heard it here first. Load up on the Braves in '09.
Nothing but prop bets so far in the Super Bowl. I'll let you know who I am betting on as soon the smart kid fills out his test and I pretend to drop my pencil, lean over, and copy his answers.
In the meantime PLEASE VOTE in my poll which uses the current numbers at TheGreek. I will place a bet of $100 (Or 1/1,000th of a Sherman unit) on TheGreek fading whichever side or total wins that poll as a the blog's official Super Bowl mock of how dumb my readers are.
Until then.... try to enjoy whatever garbage men's college basketball games are going on.
I'll be watching the Lady Huskies tonight. Now that's a good team.
The Cardinals better make the most of this opportunity because next year there is only NFC team with any chance of winning it all. That would be the great Dallas Cowboys and their future Hall-of-Fame QB. Now that Antonio Ramiro Romo has vowed to be more of a "Leader" and the Cowboys have kept together the braintrust of Wade Phillips and Jason Garrett, it's hard to see anyone beating them in 2009. Hell, it's hard to see anyone even scoring on them. I can totally see why they have the lowest odds of any team in the NFL to win Super Bowl XLIV in a handful of future pools. It's not like they missed the playoffs this season and haven't won a postseason game in about a dozen years. Plus they have ARR. And he's a leader now.
What else do I have to say? Nothing, really. But I'll try:
* After the Chiefs racist firing of Head Coach Herm Edwards, the Kansas City Star ran an article about the move with the headline "Herminated." Is it really that hard to come up with a good head line? And I thought my writing was suffering lately. Yikes.
* Rumor has it that the Chiefs are targeting ex-Raiders and Broncos Head Coach Mike Shanahan to replace Edwards. Before we know it, "The Mastermind" will have worked for more AFC West teams than Jorgen has worked for Las Vegas sports books.
* I didn't want to bring this up again but with the big game just 8 days away, I am starting to get nervous for Ed. Remember: He promised to jump off the Hoover Dam if the Cardinals won the Super Bowl. At the time it seemed like a harmless comment, seeing as how the Cardinals still had to get through the hurdle that was playing the Highest Power Rated Team of All Time. But now that they have slayed the 9-6-1 giant, all Arizona has to do is beat the Steelers and Ed will have to take his chances jumping of the Hoover Dam. Perhaps it will work out as well (And be as comical) as it did for Clark Griswold, but if I were in Ed's shoes, I'd hedge my "Bets" by putting a little something on Steelers money line and giving the ticket to the Mrs. Call it a life insurance policy.
* Of course, a "Little something" to that guy would probably be about 50 times the casino limit on the money line. To say that he and the other members of his group are overly cocky about how much they are betting right now would be the understatement of the century. That group is completely out of control with how much they enjoy the smell of their own farts. And not just Ed. They're all that way right now. Especially The Big Guy. But especially Sherman. Ed and Matt were ganging up on CB the other day at work, mocking him for not betting more money, even though he seemed to place 4 figure bets on anything he could get his hands on this week, even women's college basketball!
I got tired of listening to those two bullies gang up on the wunderkind and fired back with some mocks of my own. But that's just not enough to get back at their group. Someone's gotta take them down a peg. So instead of just harmless mocking, I have decided to call out their group, specifically one member who I won't identify by name but will call only "Frequent Flyer Miles." FFM made a derogatory comment about one of the city's biggest sharps, saying that he would like to book his baseball future action. You know the number to his iPhone, bro. Make the call and do it. And let us know when your baseball win totals are up.
* Speaking of baseball, the sharp sharps, the sharp squares, the square sharps, the square squares and even the sharp's sharps seem to be betting on the Braves and A's to turn some heads this summer. I can see the A's being good and threw a few bucks down on them but don't really see how the Braves could make much noise in a division with the Fightins, the Amazins, and the Nasties to contend with.
Wait John, didn't you say last year at this time that you thought it was crazy to waste money on Rays future bets because they were in the same division as the Yankees and Red Sox?
Good point. You heard it here first. Load up on the Braves in '09.
Nothing but prop bets so far in the Super Bowl. I'll let you know who I am betting on as soon the smart kid fills out his test and I pretend to drop my pencil, lean over, and copy his answers.
In the meantime PLEASE VOTE in my poll which uses the current numbers at TheGreek. I will place a bet of $100 (Or 1/1,000th of a Sherman unit) on TheGreek fading whichever side or total wins that poll as a the blog's official Super Bowl mock of how dumb my readers are.
Until then.... try to enjoy whatever garbage men's college basketball games are going on.
I'll be watching the Lady Huskies tonight. Now that's a good team.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Is it me or does anyone else
.... think it's pointless to even play the conference championship games on Sunday? The Super Bowl of Eagles-Steelers is already a done deal. Why even go through the motions of actually playing the games? Teams don't finish the regular season 9-6-1 without being dominant. And the Steelers whupped the Ravens during both regular season meetings, winning handily with no close calls or fortunate bounces. Let's just get it over with. Eagles-Steelers. Super Bowl XLIII. Lock it down.
I want to try to be brief in the blog from now on. I didn't realize how annoying long-winded people really were until Scotty said hi to Big Brother contestant "Evil Dick" the other night at the Hard Rock and the guy ended up talking our ears off for a good 30 minutes about how he was hanging on for dear life to the outer fringes of being a celebrity.
I don't really have any "quips" to offer up in regards to last weekend's Divisional Playoff games, anyway. I had money on the Titans and I'm not sure how I lost. I picked up an NFL betting system during Saturday's Cardinals-Panthers game that is so utterly foolproof I can't even share it with you guys. Seriously, this system is golden. It's like a tip from Bennett golden. It's too valuable to share on the internet. Sorry. When I woke up the Eagles-Giants score was 7-5 and I literally turned my TV off and tried to go back to bed. Probably watched more than Plaxico, at least. I guess the Steelers game was good. I guess.
Here's what else is up as I mentally prepare myself for the Pennsylvania Bowl:
* Speaking of CB, one thing that's really been perplexing me lately is how that kid managed to become so incredibly sharp. It just doesn't seem possible that one person could be that sharp at anything. I have a few theories on how he managed to get that way:
#1 You know that scene in Batman Begins when Bruce Wayne is being trained how to fight way out in the mountains of whatever? I think it's entirely possible that CB has been lying about taking vacations to Minnesota and South Africa, among other places, and in reality he has been in Washington state being trained on the ways of the sharp sharps by the greatest sports bettors on earth: Nerds who never played a sport in their life and live in Washington state and sit at their computers all day hoping to get the best number possible.
Important lessons include how to assume you are smarter than everyone else on both sides of the counter and how to talk down to other bettors. For instance:
Civilian: Yeah, I had the Cardinals. Wish they could all be that easy.
Sharp (skeptical): Cardinals, huh? What number did you get?
Civilian: +10
Sharp (quickly): At what price?
Civilian: -110
Sharp: Garbage. There was +10 -105 available on Cris on Wednesday morning for almost 40 minutes.
Civilian: Oh, really, it's just that I don't even have an account....
Sharp (cuts him off): You also could've played +10.5 -120 at the Mirage for an hour and a half on Monday night.
Civilian: Oh, well I just took the 10. I mean they did win the game easily.
Sharp: Square.
Civilian: What did you have?
Sharp: Panthers -8 -105, which was ridiculously unavailable.
Civilian: Oh.... So you lost right?
Sharp: Who cares? I had a great number. I can totally live with that result.
Civilian: Oh.... Well I won my bet and made money so I'm cool with it, too.
Sharp (frustrated):..... You're just never going to understand how this business works.
#2 It's also possible that Chris is as sharp as he is because of the part of the country he is from. Look at some other guys who are from (relatively speaking) the same part of the country. Scott, Jorgie, Chris.... They all have the same "I'm better than you and I'm going to make these snide comments and judgmental faces to illustrate that I feel that way" aura about them. There has to be something to that. Perhaps it's just something about being raised in that part of the country that brings it out in them.
My suggestion: If you ever have a son you want to be a sharp sharp, make sure he is born and raised in the American Midwest, then ship him out to Washington state for college. Imagine being from Illinois or Minnesota, then going to school at U-Dub. It wouldn't even be fair how sharp that kid would be. It's very possible that he could single-handedly shut down this entire industry. Think about it.
#3 Chris was born so much smarter than the rest of us that his learning curve is accelerated to the point that he picks up on math-related gambling things that us small minded people simply cannot understand. I would guess that this is the one Chris believes to be the truth and it's very possible. However, I feel that with a few trips to Washington state I could at least begin to approach his level. The guys there are just so sharp you can't help but learn from them. It's my understanding that the reason Seattle routinely has the highest suicide rate of any city in the country is because the people there get so fed up with being so much smarter than everyone else they decide it's easier to just kill themselves than keep going. Think about that, too.
* We all know that my mancrush on LeBron James is well documented. For lack of a better word, that guy is ridonkulous. I'd also like to mention two new crushes the blog is currently dealing with: Alexander Ovechkin aka Great Eight of the Washington Capitals and Baya, the hip hop dancer wannabe on the new season of Real World.
Not that I watch that show or anything.
What?
She's hot.
She is.
Let's move on....
* Try to guess which one of these quotes I am making up:
"I will jump off the Hoover Dam if the Arizona Cardinals win the Super Bowl." - Ed Salmons
"Devendorf's girlfriend is going to get a whuppin' tonight." - Peter Murray
"I would literally pay $300 out of my pocket just to have the Eagles lose this week." - John Murray
"I can't wait until Paul Harris is behind bars." - Peter Murray
"Ask John what he likes tonight. I want to make sure it's not the same thing I like before I bet anything." - Matt Metcalf
"I want to have Matt Ryan's children." - Jeff Sherman
Boy, that's tough. They are all very believable. Good luck.
I know I haven't blogged much lately. I think I may have a severe case of writer's block. It's also possible that I just can't write well any more because the content of this blog is so dumb that it's ruined me as a writer. I mean read that sentence again. It was terrible. There was a time when I could wake up at 9 AM, hungover as Hoffman on a Tuesday, and write a paper so good that when my professor handed it back to me, he or she would literally come up to me to compliment my writing and ask me if I wanted to be a writer. That was like 2-3 years ago.... Now I can barely string together two sentences. Look at how badly I botched that whole Bennett-training-sharp-Washington state thing. That was really funny in my head. And it ended up as another choppy, scatterbrained piece of garbage that is becoming a staple in this space. At least I was able to force something out. I couldn't even find the words for that Jorgen-Rafael Furcal piece the other day.
I'm going to try to work out a few kinks in my writing style before the next blog. And I'll try to use some fresh words and phrases. Does anyone know a synonym for ridonkulous?
In the meantime, I want you to tell me which jersey I should purchase to wear in the days leading up to the Eagles-Steelers game.
#10 Santonio Holmes
#25 Ryan Clark (Ex-Redskins safety we let go so we could sign Adam Archuletta to the biggest contract any safety had ever received in NFL history in a move so obviously terrible that I literally cursed out loud when I heard about it.)
#39 'Fast' Willie Parker
#43 Troy Polamulualamaul9erluauauamalu
(Did I hear a 9'er in there?)
I have an idea for a piece that would tie in the genius sharpness of Christopher Bennett with the genius wordplay of Christopher Wallace. I'll let you know if I can make it happen.
But it seems unlikely.
In the meantime, enjoy this website Matt showed me about White People and, of course, enjoy the game.
I want to try to be brief in the blog from now on. I didn't realize how annoying long-winded people really were until Scotty said hi to Big Brother contestant "Evil Dick" the other night at the Hard Rock and the guy ended up talking our ears off for a good 30 minutes about how he was hanging on for dear life to the outer fringes of being a celebrity.
I don't really have any "quips" to offer up in regards to last weekend's Divisional Playoff games, anyway. I had money on the Titans and I'm not sure how I lost. I picked up an NFL betting system during Saturday's Cardinals-Panthers game that is so utterly foolproof I can't even share it with you guys. Seriously, this system is golden. It's like a tip from Bennett golden. It's too valuable to share on the internet. Sorry. When I woke up the Eagles-Giants score was 7-5 and I literally turned my TV off and tried to go back to bed. Probably watched more than Plaxico, at least. I guess the Steelers game was good. I guess.
Here's what else is up as I mentally prepare myself for the Pennsylvania Bowl:
* Speaking of CB, one thing that's really been perplexing me lately is how that kid managed to become so incredibly sharp. It just doesn't seem possible that one person could be that sharp at anything. I have a few theories on how he managed to get that way:
#1 You know that scene in Batman Begins when Bruce Wayne is being trained how to fight way out in the mountains of whatever? I think it's entirely possible that CB has been lying about taking vacations to Minnesota and South Africa, among other places, and in reality he has been in Washington state being trained on the ways of the sharp sharps by the greatest sports bettors on earth: Nerds who never played a sport in their life and live in Washington state and sit at their computers all day hoping to get the best number possible.
Important lessons include how to assume you are smarter than everyone else on both sides of the counter and how to talk down to other bettors. For instance:
Civilian: Yeah, I had the Cardinals. Wish they could all be that easy.
Sharp (skeptical): Cardinals, huh? What number did you get?
Civilian: +10
Sharp (quickly): At what price?
Civilian: -110
Sharp: Garbage. There was +10 -105 available on Cris on Wednesday morning for almost 40 minutes.
Civilian: Oh, really, it's just that I don't even have an account....
Sharp (cuts him off): You also could've played +10.5 -120 at the Mirage for an hour and a half on Monday night.
Civilian: Oh, well I just took the 10. I mean they did win the game easily.
Sharp: Square.
Civilian: What did you have?
Sharp: Panthers -8 -105, which was ridiculously unavailable.
Civilian: Oh.... So you lost right?
Sharp: Who cares? I had a great number. I can totally live with that result.
Civilian: Oh.... Well I won my bet and made money so I'm cool with it, too.
Sharp (frustrated):..... You're just never going to understand how this business works.
#2 It's also possible that Chris is as sharp as he is because of the part of the country he is from. Look at some other guys who are from (relatively speaking) the same part of the country. Scott, Jorgie, Chris.... They all have the same "I'm better than you and I'm going to make these snide comments and judgmental faces to illustrate that I feel that way" aura about them. There has to be something to that. Perhaps it's just something about being raised in that part of the country that brings it out in them.
My suggestion: If you ever have a son you want to be a sharp sharp, make sure he is born and raised in the American Midwest, then ship him out to Washington state for college. Imagine being from Illinois or Minnesota, then going to school at U-Dub. It wouldn't even be fair how sharp that kid would be. It's very possible that he could single-handedly shut down this entire industry. Think about it.
#3 Chris was born so much smarter than the rest of us that his learning curve is accelerated to the point that he picks up on math-related gambling things that us small minded people simply cannot understand. I would guess that this is the one Chris believes to be the truth and it's very possible. However, I feel that with a few trips to Washington state I could at least begin to approach his level. The guys there are just so sharp you can't help but learn from them. It's my understanding that the reason Seattle routinely has the highest suicide rate of any city in the country is because the people there get so fed up with being so much smarter than everyone else they decide it's easier to just kill themselves than keep going. Think about that, too.
* We all know that my mancrush on LeBron James is well documented. For lack of a better word, that guy is ridonkulous. I'd also like to mention two new crushes the blog is currently dealing with: Alexander Ovechkin aka Great Eight of the Washington Capitals and Baya, the hip hop dancer wannabe on the new season of Real World.
Not that I watch that show or anything.
What?
She's hot.
She is.
Let's move on....
* Try to guess which one of these quotes I am making up:
"I will jump off the Hoover Dam if the Arizona Cardinals win the Super Bowl." - Ed Salmons
"Devendorf's girlfriend is going to get a whuppin' tonight." - Peter Murray
"I would literally pay $300 out of my pocket just to have the Eagles lose this week." - John Murray
"I can't wait until Paul Harris is behind bars." - Peter Murray
"Ask John what he likes tonight. I want to make sure it's not the same thing I like before I bet anything." - Matt Metcalf
"I want to have Matt Ryan's children." - Jeff Sherman
Boy, that's tough. They are all very believable. Good luck.
I know I haven't blogged much lately. I think I may have a severe case of writer's block. It's also possible that I just can't write well any more because the content of this blog is so dumb that it's ruined me as a writer. I mean read that sentence again. It was terrible. There was a time when I could wake up at 9 AM, hungover as Hoffman on a Tuesday, and write a paper so good that when my professor handed it back to me, he or she would literally come up to me to compliment my writing and ask me if I wanted to be a writer. That was like 2-3 years ago.... Now I can barely string together two sentences. Look at how badly I botched that whole Bennett-training-sharp-Washington state thing. That was really funny in my head. And it ended up as another choppy, scatterbrained piece of garbage that is becoming a staple in this space. At least I was able to force something out. I couldn't even find the words for that Jorgen-Rafael Furcal piece the other day.
I'm going to try to work out a few kinks in my writing style before the next blog. And I'll try to use some fresh words and phrases. Does anyone know a synonym for ridonkulous?
In the meantime, I want you to tell me which jersey I should purchase to wear in the days leading up to the Eagles-Steelers game.
#10 Santonio Holmes
#25 Ryan Clark (Ex-Redskins safety we let go so we could sign Adam Archuletta to the biggest contract any safety had ever received in NFL history in a move so obviously terrible that I literally cursed out loud when I heard about it.)
#39 'Fast' Willie Parker
#43 Troy Polamulualamaul9erluauauamalu
(Did I hear a 9'er in there?)
I have an idea for a piece that would tie in the genius sharpness of Christopher Bennett with the genius wordplay of Christopher Wallace. I'll let you know if I can make it happen.
But it seems unlikely.
In the meantime, enjoy this website Matt showed me about White People and, of course, enjoy the game.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
I honestly don't remember how
.... it happened. I don't remember why it happened. I don't even remember who I was with when it happened. But several years ago I was subjected to watching one of the worst movies ever made, Summer Catch, starring Freddie Prinze Jr. and Jessica Biel. For those of you who haven't seen it, calling that movie complete garbage would be a compliment. In the climactic scene, Prinze's character leaves the pitcher's mound in the middle of the perfect game he is tossing to go after Biel's character who is flying across the country for some reason. What ensues is a scene so poorly acted that I very literally laughed out loud the first time I saw it. I can't believe the director didn't bother to call for another take and try to improve what was an absolute cinematic abortion. I guess it's possible that they did a lot of takes and that was the best one they came up with but that is very hard for me to believe. Maybe the director just didn't care at that point.
Summer Catch was so bad that even Biel's ridonkulously bananas badonkadonk couldn't save it from being completely unwatchable. To this day it is hands down the worst acting I have ever seen. At least it was until Sunday. Ed's childish attempt to convince us that he was rooting for the Vikings during their NFC Wild Card game against the Eagles was even more pathetic than Freddie P's performance during that abominable scene. Does Ed really expect anyone to believe that he would root for a bet over his beloved Philadelphia Eagles during an NFL playoff game? This is a man who flew across the country to attend a football game on a national holiday just because he heard the Eagles would be staging something called a "Blackout." Nothing is more important to him than his pathetic swept-by-the-Redskins-and-tied-by-the-Bengals-10-6-1 Eagles. Nothing. He can play the "Bennett Card" and pretend he doesn't care all he wants but I am not going to fall for it. (I'm not falling for it with you either, Chris.)
What else caught my eye during the first week of the NFL Playoffs, you ask? I'll tell you:
* The blog went 4-1 during the wild card round. My only loss was on the Vikings. I just figured that someone on earth had to bet them. I'd like to think I learn something every time I lose a bet and here's what I took away from this one:
- Don't bet on a terrible coach in a playoff game.
- Don't bet on a terrible QB in a playoff game.
- Don't bet against a team if their coach is growing a playoff beard and looks like one of those guys who fall asleep in the SuperBook after midnight on weekdays.
* At the end of the day, I blame Chris for my loss. I don't follow this league as closely as Ed, Chris, and some of the other guys at work, so I don't know which coaches are good and which ones are complete morons who would inexplicably pass up an opportunity to knock the Eagles out of field goal range in the 1st quarter because he was apparently afraid that his defense would give up a 3rd and 19. Bennett never complains about Brad Childress. He never says Childress should be fired or that Childress is a complete idiot who is holding the Vikings back. So how was I supposed to know? Thanks for nothing, CB.
* The best player I saw during the wild card round had to be Baltimore's Ed Reed. The guy is amazing. I don't know what Ed and his people see in Troy Polamalu but there's no way he is the player Reed is. It seems like #20 is everywhere for the Ravens defense. He's the best safety I've ever seen. And I'm old enough to remember Tim Hauck.
* The worst player I saw was Chargers RB LaDainian Tomlinson. Could this guy possibly be more of a candyass? It really is true that whenever the going gets tough he can't wait to grab some bench. The chances of him coming up big this week, on the road, in a hostile environment, against the best defense in the NFL are about the same as the chances of CB taking a bad number on the wrong side. It just isn't going to happen. Ever.
* The best play I saw over the weekend had to be the touchdown catch Larry Fitzgerald made between two defenders during the first quarter of the Cardinals win over the Fightin' Shermans. That was a textbook example of a quarterback saying "What the hell - I'm just going to throw this thing up in the air and ask my wide receiver to make me look good." And here comes the obvious Murray joke - "Just like every throw Tony Romo has ever made...."
(Pause for laughter)
* The worst play I saw was CB's quarterback throwing a touchdown pass to Asante Samuel. Well actually it's a tie between that play and the Vikings defense standing around while Brian Westbrook jogged 70 yards to the end zone on what seemed like a very straight forward screen pass. How exactly did the Eagles win by 12 again?
* Looking ahead to the divisional round I'll call for the Titans, Panthers, Eagles, and Steelers to advance. I especially like the Eagles. In fact, I will bring out the LEAD PIPE LOCK label for Philly. The Eagles are my billion star lock of life. If they lose, you get the rest of my picks for the year free of charge!! Actually, let's just go ahead and call Eagles plus the points my official "Shoe-In" of the Year. And I wear a size 13. My official stance is that there is no reason to even watch the game because Philadelphia is such a human lock to cover the spread this Sunday.
(Ed - I just want you to know I was smirking the entire time I wrote that. I'm still smirking. Why don't you just assume I'll be smirking for the next hour or so. )
* Of course, locks from me have very little value. If you really want to know who is going to win, I recommend giving "Mr. Salmon" a ring. Mr. S won Murray Bowl I over the weekend, crushing "Darts At a Board" by a score of 0 to -4. You really gotta hand it to Cortes. He managed to knock out Mikey Millz, CC, Hoffy, and my sister in successive weeks. That is a murderer's row of sharps, highlighted by a guy who is arguably the Babe Ruth of modern sports betting in Scotty. No one said winning the MHI would be easy (Well actually several people said that. In those exact words, too.) but Franco managed to pull it off despite not even being an industry insider.
Congrats.
* I think I have time for a quick Hoffman story - He and I were out drinking beer(s) the other night and somehow the topic of interventions came up. With a very serious look on his face he told me that his friends had twice staged interventions for him to talk to him about his drinking, gambling, stripper issues, etc.... The following thoughts rushed through my head:
- Does he want me to put together an intervention for him?
- How come my friends never had one for me?
- Shit. I wonder if that means he wants to go home?
Never once did I consider that he was just joking. So my question to you is what does that say about Scott? Actually what does that say about me?
.... Don't answer that.
* I'll even do a Jorgie story for the kids. I actually had a joke comparing Jorgen to Rafael Furcal all worked out but I decided not to use it. The basic premise was that Jorgie was like Furcal in that Raffie flirted with practically every team in Major League Baseball before deciding to return to the Braves, the way Jorgen seems to flirt with every sports book in Las Vegas for a job. It had potential to be funnier than it sounds. I just could never get the wording right.
Anyways, my parents were in town this week and I had my Mom go up to Jorgen's window at the Venetian and make a bet for me. Somehow I had won a bet there and I gave her the winning ticket so she didn't need to take any money up to the window. I explained to her that all she needed to do was tell Jorgen the betting number and the dollar amount and then hand him the ticket at which point he'd give her the new ticket and money back. (I won't go into details about how much money was changing hands here. Just picture one of Jeff's bets then divide it by about 50.)
My Mom is a smart woman. She graduated from George Washington University which is a fine school. She is no stranger to money. She oversees a stock portfolio that has more money in it than I will probably make in my entire life. But the panic that ensued over her making a small bet for me was amazing. First she tried to write down the betting number under the bar code of the winning ticket which would have forced Jorgen to have to type the number in manually. I stopped that but couldn't prevent her from searching through her purse for a napkin to write "248" on. If I can still remember what the betting number was almost a week later, why couldn't she remember it for the 3 second walk from her seat to the betting window?
When she got up there she successfully placed the bet and got the money back from Jorgen. Well almost successfully. For some reason Jorgen asked her if she wanted 20's back. What's that all about? So she comes back to seat with a handful of 20 dollar bills. I guess it's not that big of a deal but I still took the time to glare at the "Y" for a while. What am I supposed to do with all these 20's? What can one get in exchange for one crisp 20 dollar bill? What indeed.... I'm going to think about that one.
You get out of here and enjoy the game.
Summer Catch was so bad that even Biel's ridonkulously bananas badonkadonk couldn't save it from being completely unwatchable. To this day it is hands down the worst acting I have ever seen. At least it was until Sunday. Ed's childish attempt to convince us that he was rooting for the Vikings during their NFC Wild Card game against the Eagles was even more pathetic than Freddie P's performance during that abominable scene. Does Ed really expect anyone to believe that he would root for a bet over his beloved Philadelphia Eagles during an NFL playoff game? This is a man who flew across the country to attend a football game on a national holiday just because he heard the Eagles would be staging something called a "Blackout." Nothing is more important to him than his pathetic swept-by-the-Redskins-and-tied-by-the-Bengals-10-6-1 Eagles. Nothing. He can play the "Bennett Card" and pretend he doesn't care all he wants but I am not going to fall for it. (I'm not falling for it with you either, Chris.)
What else caught my eye during the first week of the NFL Playoffs, you ask? I'll tell you:
* The blog went 4-1 during the wild card round. My only loss was on the Vikings. I just figured that someone on earth had to bet them. I'd like to think I learn something every time I lose a bet and here's what I took away from this one:
- Don't bet on a terrible coach in a playoff game.
- Don't bet on a terrible QB in a playoff game.
- Don't bet against a team if their coach is growing a playoff beard and looks like one of those guys who fall asleep in the SuperBook after midnight on weekdays.
* At the end of the day, I blame Chris for my loss. I don't follow this league as closely as Ed, Chris, and some of the other guys at work, so I don't know which coaches are good and which ones are complete morons who would inexplicably pass up an opportunity to knock the Eagles out of field goal range in the 1st quarter because he was apparently afraid that his defense would give up a 3rd and 19. Bennett never complains about Brad Childress. He never says Childress should be fired or that Childress is a complete idiot who is holding the Vikings back. So how was I supposed to know? Thanks for nothing, CB.
* The best player I saw during the wild card round had to be Baltimore's Ed Reed. The guy is amazing. I don't know what Ed and his people see in Troy Polamalu but there's no way he is the player Reed is. It seems like #20 is everywhere for the Ravens defense. He's the best safety I've ever seen. And I'm old enough to remember Tim Hauck.
* The worst player I saw was Chargers RB LaDainian Tomlinson. Could this guy possibly be more of a candyass? It really is true that whenever the going gets tough he can't wait to grab some bench. The chances of him coming up big this week, on the road, in a hostile environment, against the best defense in the NFL are about the same as the chances of CB taking a bad number on the wrong side. It just isn't going to happen. Ever.
* The best play I saw over the weekend had to be the touchdown catch Larry Fitzgerald made between two defenders during the first quarter of the Cardinals win over the Fightin' Shermans. That was a textbook example of a quarterback saying "What the hell - I'm just going to throw this thing up in the air and ask my wide receiver to make me look good." And here comes the obvious Murray joke - "Just like every throw Tony Romo has ever made...."
(Pause for laughter)
* The worst play I saw was CB's quarterback throwing a touchdown pass to Asante Samuel. Well actually it's a tie between that play and the Vikings defense standing around while Brian Westbrook jogged 70 yards to the end zone on what seemed like a very straight forward screen pass. How exactly did the Eagles win by 12 again?
* Looking ahead to the divisional round I'll call for the Titans, Panthers, Eagles, and Steelers to advance. I especially like the Eagles. In fact, I will bring out the LEAD PIPE LOCK label for Philly. The Eagles are my billion star lock of life. If they lose, you get the rest of my picks for the year free of charge!! Actually, let's just go ahead and call Eagles plus the points my official "Shoe-In" of the Year. And I wear a size 13. My official stance is that there is no reason to even watch the game because Philadelphia is such a human lock to cover the spread this Sunday.
(Ed - I just want you to know I was smirking the entire time I wrote that. I'm still smirking. Why don't you just assume I'll be smirking for the next hour or so. )
* Of course, locks from me have very little value. If you really want to know who is going to win, I recommend giving "Mr. Salmon" a ring. Mr. S won Murray Bowl I over the weekend, crushing "Darts At a Board" by a score of 0 to -4. You really gotta hand it to Cortes. He managed to knock out Mikey Millz, CC, Hoffy, and my sister in successive weeks. That is a murderer's row of sharps, highlighted by a guy who is arguably the Babe Ruth of modern sports betting in Scotty. No one said winning the MHI would be easy (Well actually several people said that. In those exact words, too.) but Franco managed to pull it off despite not even being an industry insider.
Congrats.
* I think I have time for a quick Hoffman story - He and I were out drinking beer(s) the other night and somehow the topic of interventions came up. With a very serious look on his face he told me that his friends had twice staged interventions for him to talk to him about his drinking, gambling, stripper issues, etc.... The following thoughts rushed through my head:
- Does he want me to put together an intervention for him?
- How come my friends never had one for me?
- Shit. I wonder if that means he wants to go home?
Never once did I consider that he was just joking. So my question to you is what does that say about Scott? Actually what does that say about me?
.... Don't answer that.
* I'll even do a Jorgie story for the kids. I actually had a joke comparing Jorgen to Rafael Furcal all worked out but I decided not to use it. The basic premise was that Jorgie was like Furcal in that Raffie flirted with practically every team in Major League Baseball before deciding to return to the Braves, the way Jorgen seems to flirt with every sports book in Las Vegas for a job. It had potential to be funnier than it sounds. I just could never get the wording right.
Anyways, my parents were in town this week and I had my Mom go up to Jorgen's window at the Venetian and make a bet for me. Somehow I had won a bet there and I gave her the winning ticket so she didn't need to take any money up to the window. I explained to her that all she needed to do was tell Jorgen the betting number and the dollar amount and then hand him the ticket at which point he'd give her the new ticket and money back. (I won't go into details about how much money was changing hands here. Just picture one of Jeff's bets then divide it by about 50.)
My Mom is a smart woman. She graduated from George Washington University which is a fine school. She is no stranger to money. She oversees a stock portfolio that has more money in it than I will probably make in my entire life. But the panic that ensued over her making a small bet for me was amazing. First she tried to write down the betting number under the bar code of the winning ticket which would have forced Jorgen to have to type the number in manually. I stopped that but couldn't prevent her from searching through her purse for a napkin to write "248" on. If I can still remember what the betting number was almost a week later, why couldn't she remember it for the 3 second walk from her seat to the betting window?
When she got up there she successfully placed the bet and got the money back from Jorgen. Well almost successfully. For some reason Jorgen asked her if she wanted 20's back. What's that all about? So she comes back to seat with a handful of 20 dollar bills. I guess it's not that big of a deal but I still took the time to glare at the "Y" for a while. What am I supposed to do with all these 20's? What can one get in exchange for one crisp 20 dollar bill? What indeed.... I'm going to think about that one.
You get out of here and enjoy the game.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Murray Bowl I
Here are the picks:
Darts at A Board: Falcons, Colts, Dolphins, Vikings
Mr. Salmon: Cardinals, Colts, Dolphins, Eagles
Looks like it will come down to the two NFC games. Neither of them has a money ball pick. In the event of a tie, we go to the BCS Championship game.
Very late night for the blog and I woke up at 9 am to watch Georgetown get run off the floor by future 2nd round upset victim Pitt.
I hate Jamie Dixon.
Fin.
Darts at A Board: Falcons, Colts, Dolphins, Vikings
Mr. Salmon: Cardinals, Colts, Dolphins, Eagles
Looks like it will come down to the two NFC games. Neither of them has a money ball pick. In the event of a tie, we go to the BCS Championship game.
Very late night for the blog and I woke up at 9 am to watch Georgetown get run off the floor by future 2nd round upset victim Pitt.
I hate Jamie Dixon.
Fin.
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Carl Edwards
May be the blog's biggest hero....
